Let’s Talk about Men and Loneliness
We all feel lonely from time to time, and experiences of isolation and loneliness are common since the COVID-19 pandemic. But loneliness has some unique characteristics among men because there is frequently that male stereotype to live up to of being strong and silent.
We asked two mental health experts to share their thoughts and experience about loneliness in men, in the hopes that their words and knowledge can maybe make us all feel more connected.
Q: We have heard a lot in recent years about an “epidemic of loneliness” in our country, especially since the Pandemic. Is there in fact an “epidemic”?
NA: The literature has called attention to continual trends of individuals reporting experiences of social isolation and loneliness. At first glance, following the hardship we have all witnessed or endured during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic, it may seem odd to refer to loneliness and social isolation as an “epidemic” given the gravity we have come to associate words like “epidemic” or “pandemic” with. However, research has consistently linked loneliness to a range of serious health risks (e.g., heart disease, stroke, dementia, and increased mortality) which makes it a serious public health concern.
Q: Do data suggest that men in particular are struggling with loneliness or are susceptible to loneliness in unique ways?
NA: Yes, there is a body of research that suggests men are particularly vulnerable to experiencing loneliness and social isolation in ways uniquely shaped by gender roles and social norms. While loneliness affects people of all genders, for men, it’s often under-reported or misinterpreted. This is in part because men tend to be socialized to avoid vulnerability, mistrust emotional expression, or view loneliness as a threat to their identity. For instance, studies have shown that men are more likely than women to report chronic and significant symptoms of loneliness, have smaller networks of close friends, experience less emotional intimacy, and face greater stigma when it comes to seeking emotional support. Men also tend to have fewer coping strategies that they perceive as being socially acceptable, which can further exacerbate their experiences of isolation.
Q: Are there male stereotypes that exist that may make it hard or “not socially acceptable” for men to express feelings about loneliness?
NA: Yes, there are many stereotypes that make it difficult for men to openly express feelings of loneliness. Although cultural expectations vary across societies, there are many ideas of masculinity that discourage emotionality and vulnerability, which reinforce behaviors that contribute to social isolation. These gender expectations can be observed even before birth; many of us have attended events like gender reveal parties or sonogram visits with families projecting ideas of toughness and strength onto boys as soon as their gender is identified. From a young age, boys are often encouraged to “be strong,” avoid crying, and other behaviors perceived as being too emotional or sensitive. Often times, these boys internalize these expectations which in turn shape how they express emotions, form relationships, and cope with stress as adult men. Changing these stereotypes would benefit not only men, but everyone around them and would mean changing not just individual behavior but the culture that surrounds masculinity itself.
WC: I believe so. Ideally, we all should strive to be our authentic selves, and to live a self-actualized life that brings us joy. So many men, are born into a family, a culture, or a society that has predetermined ideas of who they should be and how they should act. Much over the work I’ve done with men in jails, prison, hospitals and in private practice, focuses on helping the individual challenge belief systems and fear-based thinking thin they were taught that now, doesn’t work for them anymore because it is leading them to self-sabotaging behavior, or keeps them from accomplishing what they want.
Q: Do you think societal pressures and role expectations lead to male loneliness?
WC: Definitely. What so many men have taught me is not living an authentic life leads to emotional pain, and disconnection, if you can’t be or do the things you want because of fear of alienation or worse, then most people will choose easier, softer way, in order to be included, or even just for survival or physical safety. But the feeling of safety achieved this way will be temporary and can’t fill the “hole in the soul” caused by unaddressed past wounds in need of healing.
Q: As behavioral health experts, can you please define when loneliness might be a normal human experience that we sometimes have to live with, versus when it might be unhealthy or harmful and when we need to seek help?
NA: It’s completely normal to feel lonely at times. In fact, temporary and situation-based loneliness can be a healthy experience for emotional development and inner growth because it can signal to us that we need/crave connection or create a space for self-reflection and self-awareness. Feeling lonely is like an internal nudge telling you that you need social connection, like after a breakup, starting a new job or moving to a new neighborhood. In small doses, it’s a helpful signal that pushes us to reach out to others for support, or spend time with the people who are important to us. Problems arise when we ignore this signal, when sense of loneliness is stable and unchanging and when it begins to negatively impact our normal functioning.
Q: Dr. Allicock there are reports and statistics suggesting that young men are having a hard time making and sustaining friendships today. What do you make of these statistics?
NA: There are many interwoven factors that have impacted how young people, especially young men connect with others. Compared to previous cohorts, younger generations are less likely to participate in institutions that once provided community and belonging (e.g., religious groups, unions, local clubs) and much more likely to engage with others digitally. While younger people have much more access to peers, the social infrastructure has shifted and with this, our understanding of how young people find and sustain fulfilling and nurturing bonds will also require a shift in perspective.
Q: Is it somehow considered un-masculine for young men to have close male friendships?
NA: We’ve all seen the memes that joke about how men don’t know their friends’ birthdays or even their last names. While there’s good humor in those exaggerations, they reflect a common misunderstanding: that because men may not express closeness in traditionally emotional or verbal ways, their friendships are somehow less meaningful. We need to look at how men form and maintain relationships with more nuance. Men might connect through shared activities, humor, silent support or other ways that might not always involve deep conversations, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t deep connections. It’s not that men don’t want or need closeness but these bonds are usually expressed, talked about, or recognized in ways that are unique to men and the ways in which they are socialized. The memes are still funny though.
Q: For men reading this article who might identify with feelings of loneliness, what do you recommend in terms of getting help or finding resources?
NA: Developing the language to understand, process and communicate feelings of loneliness is a good place to start. Naming loneliness for what it is takes strength and creates the opportunity to both reduce shame and unlearn negative stereotypes about vulnerability. Next, investing in quality relationships that have depth and feel emotionally fulfilling is a solid step in the right direction. Reach out and reconnect with the people you trust and make time for people you feel truly know/understand you. Individual psychotherapy is also a valuable resource worth considering if you’re not already in treatment. Therapy provides a space where you can be seen and heard without judgement or expectation, helps you understand the causes of your sense of loneliness and creates a consistent relationship that can be a safe starting place for reconnecting with others.
WC: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a fantastic treatment modality to use for anyone trying to break free of negative thoughts/beliefs that lead to self-sabotaging and self-destructive behavior. When an individual realizes through treatment that their own thoughts play a huge part in their moods and then their behaviors, they can start the process of freeing themselves from their past and create a future that doesn’t have to be negatively influenced by external pressures from friends, family, and society.
Q: And conversely, what’s the worst thing a guy can do who is suffering from feelings of loneliness or isolation?
NA: Continuing to isolate. In my work with patients who have described their sense of loneliness and isolation, it’s like being trapped inside a clear glass nesting doll. You can see others on the outside, you can see connection, closeness, and life happening, but you’re separated by layer after layer. You’re so many layers removed from the experience you want but feel you have no path that seems feasible or within reach. The glass is transparent, so the world seems close, but the barriers are real and deeply felt. This often prompts a negative feedback loop: the pain of loneliness causes you to retreat further inward, slipping deeper into the next layer of the doll. Each retreat adds another shell, making it harder to reach out and be reached. The deepening isolation compounds the pain, making connection feel increasingly impossible.
Q: Bill, you have a lot of experience in the prison system: what kids of struggles with loneliness and pressure might be unique to the prison system, and how can we best help men when they are not even sure how to reach out?
WC: Geographic isolation from family is a real struggle for many men incarcerated in prison. In NYS Prisons, for example, an individual may have all his family living the NYC metro area, but they are incarcerated in a correctional facility close to the Canadian border, several hours away. Many families may not have a personal car, and o have to take a bus or train to visit their loved in a correctional facility. This may greatly reduce the number of visits one may receive from friends and family.
In New York Correctional Facilities, OMH administers and operates several very good Mental Health treatment programs as outpatient satellite clinics of Central New York Psychiatric Center (CNYPC). Individuals should be encouraged to seek treatment in these satellite clinics for any feelings of depression and isolation.
Q: Do you have any advice on ways to make male friends or simply even connections in adulthood or old age?
NA: Before exploring new ways to connect, start with what comes naturally or with activities that are already a part of your routine like community activities that match your interests. Reach out to a friend or two and ask if they might be free to join. Connection can also come from everyday interactions like a familiar face on your commute or someone you regularly talk to online. Challenge yourself to stay open to all the possibilities and when social invitations come your way, be sure to say yes.
Small steps can have big outcomes.
